The Feels

I have been experiencing so many different emotions as I've let this mission call sink in. (And trust me, it's still sinking.)

There was the thrill/disbelief when I opened my call- which, naturally, turned into tears because they're really sending me on a mission! (YAYUUHHH.)
Then there was the 'what the?!' moment- I mean I didn't even know the Dominican Republic was in North America. There was an additional 'what the?!' moment when I realized how tropical it was... I'm the whitest of the white girls... You can practically see right through me.
Then there was the airy sarcasm- "Of COURSE you're sending me to teach in Spanish, HF. I've only been avoiding learning that language my whole life, nbd." ;)
Then moments of catatonic (I exaggerate) shock when I couldn't even process any of it.
Then terror at going to a whole strange new place.
Then inadequacy because I'm a horrible visiting teacher and haven't been very good with reading my scriptures before I get really tired.
Then the realization of how prideful I am.
Then the realization of how lacking I am in charity.
Then wondering if something wasn't quite right because my emotions weren't all uplifting and positive.
Then hating Satan because it's all his fault but wanting to sob into my pillow anyway.

 Then today happened.

As I was making a mormon.org profile, I started to think about who I really am and why I have chosen to try my best to live this gospel. I realized that I really want to be a disciple of Christ. But what does that mean?
It means it has nothing to do with me at all. I am on the errand of the Lord- I imagine myself as a little girl, looking up at my Father with big eyes, asking: What would you like for me to do?
I think of all the righteous people in the Santiago mission who are ready and searching for the missing pieces that are here in Christ's doctrine. I think of the people who are suffering, because they never knew another way. I feel so lowly compared to these people. I'm humbled by the worth of their souls.
I am so excited to serve them. I am eager to serve the Lord. God's children need the gospel. God needs me to be humble and obedient. I feel a burning zeal in my heart to do my very best, so that I will be prepared and worthy to teach with the Spirit.

I think the feelings I have now are just the beginning.